Ask Sabazios, Minion of Hell

Nothing Is Sacred Anymore

2009-09-01T13:31:00.005-06:00

Marvel, Disney. Disney, Marvel.

Swine Flu Jumps the Shark

2009-04-28T18:23:00.005-06:00

Um, hi, this is CNN. You know how we’ve been running nonstop panic coverage on swine flu for the last week? Well, it’s because of the sharks. See, we’re a good three weeks into our shark panic programming season, but there haven’t been any good shark attacks yet to rev up the ol’ shark panic machine. The pirates were a great placeholder... God, I wish they’d given us another week before they killed those guys! Great stuff, our numbers were awesome. But then it ended, and... nada.

Where the fuck are all the sharks? Do you know how much I spent on shark attack graphics in March getting ready for this? We even have an iPhone app ready to go! It flashes SHARK SHARK SHARK over and over, then James Earl Jones says, “This is CNN.” It’s fucking RAD, but it won’t mean shit if the sharks don’t show in the next couple of weeks.

So, yeah, we kinda got revved up on this swine flu bullshit. Fact is, you have a better chance of dying from a tree falling on you than you do of dying from swine flu. In fact, you have a better chance of dying from swine falling on you. But bear with us, we’re wrapping it up pretty soon.

I hope. I mean, somebody somewhere has to get bitten by a fucking shark at some point this summer, right?

Caught on Tape!

2008-12-18T14:56:00.001-07:00

Careless on my part, but I'll own up to it. The lurking figure in the background with the green shirt and tie is yours truly.

Unsolicited Advice

2008-12-02T11:34:00.003-07:00

If you’re 1 for 10 on hitting stationary pumpkins from 3 meters, maybe you need to drunkenly lurch at them with your chainsaw bayonet so you can plug the barrel and blow your nuts off on the next round... saving the taxpayers the eventual expense of incarcerating your kids.

Portable Inflatable Movie Screens for Africa

2008-11-21T10:38:00.005-07:00

It's the crude, vaudevillian evil of freshman poetry and I can't say I'm proud of it.

I did it to win a wager with a certain American software magnate who's laudable humanitarian efforts in Africa have recently distracted public opinion from his decades of service to my employer. The wager itself I'll spare you; alert readers will deduce its terms as they follow the news in the coming months.

There was room for at least a sliver of my customary craftsmanship, however - the only film distributed with the screens will be Kenneth Branagh's Shakespearean dog's breakfast Much Ado About Nothing, starring Keanu Reeves.

An amusing thesis, but...

2008-11-19T12:12:00.005-07:00

War and Social Upheaval Cause Spikes in Zombie Movie Production

The real reason for the upcurve is that we're preparing you for all the zombies you'll be seeing after the Mayan calendar ends in 2012.

Surprise!

A sulpheric reacharound for Tuffy on the chart.

Vietnamese Micro-Pimp Lures Girls to Chemical Runoff Pond for Dance-Off

2008-11-18T20:56:00.004-07:00

Click here for inspiring true tale of horror.

Another nifty bit of social engineering

2008-11-18T10:26:00.009-07:00

At the risk of alienating my readers with condescension, I must permit myself a twirl in the footlights when some little parapraxis like this showcases my efforts. Particularly in the weeks leading up to the computation of my year-end bonus. From a poll of parents concerning the media their children consume:

When asked what they would find the most offensive in a video game, [parents] said that a man and a woman having sex would be most offensive, followed by two men kissing, and then the sight of a graphically severed human was ranked third in a list.

Perhaps I played some small part in planting this seed, but really, there are times you cement monkeys make me so proud I fear it will cloud my judgement. From your grammatolatry over "marriage," to your fear of physical pleasure exceeding your fear of physical death - perhaps I'm spoling you with praise, but your own little inner Inquisitions are much better organized than the ham-handed variety we manufacture from time to time.

Earthquake on the Hershey Highway

2008-11-17T13:34:00.006-07:00

Longtime readers will recall I was nominated by the home office for a Helms Award in 2007 for this device. The $300 price point is an astounding bargain for the value delivered, and I would commend it to the attention of stumped holiday shoppers seeking a memorable gift.

CONFIDENTIAL TO KAY IN SANTA PRISCA

2008-11-07T22:08:00.005-07:00

Your fascinating physiological question falls outside the scope of this forum, but I can tell you that the eyes are connected to the brain by the optic neves, and most attempts to dislodge them with a blow to the head are likely to result in a tethered, swinging effect - quite unlike the illustrations you sent.

2008-11-07T21:55:00.006-07:00

I am not afraid of the devil, but I can't sleep. Can you help me? I don't want to take drugs. When I try to count sheep I break out in a sweat. Warm milk gives me the creeps.

--Odelia Stars; Ballinburg, Texas

Tell me, Odelia – why do you WANT to sleep? Sheep are filthy animals, and warm milk is teeming with dangerous micro-organisms. It seems to me your instincts in this matter are sound. Indulge yourself for eight hours a night, Odelia! Have more sex! Tunnel under a bank! Prowl the rooftops like the crepuscular leopardess your soul longs to inhabit!

2008-11-07T16:10:00.007-07:00

A story that's been passed around in my family for years describes you as a notorious cheat and terrible poker player. Can you confirm or deny the rumor that you lost your 'bluff' on a hand played with my mother?

--Kazak; Fontainbleu, Switzerland

I have no wish to impugn your mother by discussing what we both agreed was a very private and compromising game of poker, but as she has broached the subject with a critical inaccuracy I will gladly disabuse you of her version of events.

At the tense and closely played denoument of the game, when she had been whittled down to only her bra and one earring, she bet the former on what she took to be a queen-high straight. I play only with a loaded deck, of course, so I knew she was mistaken. With three deuces I was sitting in the catbird seat, and I went all in. In order to get the earring on the table as well, I offered to remove my skin if she held the winning hand. She did not, of course, and the rest of the evening is history of which you may conceivably be the disappointing product.

The fact that I removed my skin anyway during the proceedings that followed does not, in my opinion, constitute a blemish on my poker pedigree.