Um, hi, this is CNN. You know how we’ve been running nonstop panic coverage on swine flu for the last week? Well, it’s because of the sharks. See, we’re a good three weeks into our shark panic programming season, but there haven’t been any good shark attacks yet to rev up the ol’ shark panic machine. The pirates were a great placeholder... God, I wish they’d given us another week before they killed those guys! Great stuff, our numbers were awesome. But then it ended, and... nada.
Where the fuck are all the sharks? Do you know how much I spent on shark attack graphics in March getting ready for this? We even have an iPhone app ready to go! It flashes SHARK SHARK SHARK over and over, then James Earl Jones says, “This is CNN.” It’s fucking RAD, but it won’t mean shit if the sharks don’t show in the next couple of weeks.
So, yeah, we kinda got revved up on this swine flu bullshit. Fact is, you have a better chance of dying from a tree falling on you than you do of dying from swine flu. In fact, you have a better chance of dying from swine falling on you. But bear with us, we’re wrapping it up pretty soon.
I hope. I mean, somebody somewhere has to get bitten by a fucking shark at some point this summer, right?
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